Conflicts between people
are a normal, natural and inevitable part of life–at work, at home and in
all our relationships with others. Unfortunately, most of us don’t really
accept this fact and we still get surprised and distressed when it’s clear that
a conflict has emerged.
As long as everything is
going along smoothly, it’s easy to be considerate and respectful of another
person’s needs. They are in no way interfering with our own. But the emergence
of a conflict can change all that–now we can feel threatened, anxious and
angry. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems
like an adversary. That’s because of our vast, past experience with conflict,
most of which was negative.
We have a negative attitude
toward conflict primarily because we haven’t learned constructive ways to
deal with it–in fact, the converse is true: we have learned destructive
ways of handling conflict. As children, as students and as employees (and too
often as spouses) we have experienced losing in a conflict because parents,
teachers and bosses use/d their power to win at our expense. Even though
we know the feelings of resentment, anger, dislike, even hostility that we
experience as a result of losing, the win-lose posture is deeply ingrained and
when we get in positions where we have power over people, we often choose to
win at their expense.
A great deal of research
shows the damaging effects that win-lose conflict resolution has on
interpersonal relationships. It creates distance, separation, dislike, even
hatred. It’s the main reason people leave their jobs for new ones and
marriages break up.
How conflicts get
resolved is the critical factor in any relationship. In fact, it is the most
critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or
unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or
shallow, intimate or cold.
As most of us are aware,
there is an alternative to the win-lose posture. It’s often been called “win-win”
or “no-lose” because the goal is to find a solution to the conflict that meets
the needs of both people. Resolving conflicts this way requires three
important attitudes and behaviors: 1) the attitude that conflict in general
presents the opportunity for constructive change; 2) the willingness to engage
in the process of mutually searching for a solution that meets the needs of
both people; 3) the communication and problem solving skills that it takes to
make this win-win method work. Too often, people want to resolve conflicts this
way, but either are not truly willing in their heart of hearts to work for a mutually-acceptable
solution or do not have the skills required to work together to find one.
When this occurs, the win-win method is doomed to failure.
When you’re in conflict
with another person, you both are usually aware of it at some level. There’s a
sense of disruption, unease, something is not right. The communication between
you might change, perhaps becoming superficial or terse. Or there’s silence.
Once you’re aware that
you’re in conflict, what you do next really matters. Acknowledge that a
conflict exists. Very often, we decide not to acknowledge this hoping that the
conflict will somehow go away or resolve itself. That rarely happens. Only when
conflicts are brought out into the open, do they have the chance of being dealt
with effectively.
And as I just mentioned,
dealing with conflict effectively requires skills–skills that are proven to
work, sometimes like magic. When you have these skills, the idea of facing
conflicts with others is not nearly so daunting, and in fact can be stimulating
and energizing. (There are very few intractable problems to which there are no
mutually-acceptable solutions.)
Dialogue is the key element in
constructive conflict resolution. Dialogue is made up of two very different
communication skills, both of which are essential–listening with empathy and
non-blameful self-disclosure. As Reuel Howe states in his book, The Miracle of
Dialogue: “…it must be mutual and proceed from both sides, and the parties to
it must persist relentlessly…when two persons undertake it and accept their
fear of doing so, the miracle-working power of dialogue may be released.”
The importance of
listening with empathy to the other person’s needs, feelings and beliefs
cannot be overstated. This means experiencing what it feels like to be in the
other person’s shoes at that moment and then reflecting what you hear back to
them to check whether you understood correctly. This can be very difficult to
do especially when you have strong opposing viewpoints or feelings, but it’s
possible when you’re truly intent on understanding. Something amazing happens
when people feel understood and accepted at a deep level. Their need to hold
onto their preconceived solution to the conflict often dissipates. And often
their strong emotional feelings subside.
The other essential part
of dialogue is non-blameful self-disclosure. Now it’s your turn to talk
about your needs and disclose your feelings without blaming the other person.
Ideally, they will be committed to listening empathically to you, to put
themselves in your shoes, to experience your reality. When that happens, you
too can feel catharsis, and be more open to finding a mutually-satisfying
solution. Once the basic needs of each person are clearly defined and
understood, moving through the other steps needed to find a solution can be
done in a climate of mutual consideration and respect.
Having positive conflict
resolution experiences like these are both rewarding and reinforcing. And
that’s a great thing.
